Reality Check

For us and for all

Some truths do not fit into awareness campaigns. They do not look good on graphics. They are not easy to applaud. They live in the quiet, in the dark, in the moments no one sees. Mental health is easy to support from a distance. Up close, it asks more of you.

Mental health is easy to support…

…Until it calls you at 3 AM

Mental illness is common. Severe mental illness is not casual. Sadly, the need for help rarely comes during typical business hours. It comes in the middle of the night when the thoughts are so dark you clutch the mattress to try to hold on to reality.

A support line might help. It might escalate. It might feel like too much. At 3 AM, everything feels like too much. You try to sleep, and the nightmares make that worse. You may even text someone, hoping they will reach out in the morning. You also know you leave your phone on so that if a friend needs you to drive over at 2 in the morning, you will absolutely do so.

…Until you need a hug for no reason

The truth is, there is a reason. You are being ripped apart from the inside and need someone to just show up, just for a few minutes, and hold the pieces together for just a little while. You don’t need words or advice or medication or even a fucking therapist, you need love that is obviously an inconvenience.

…Until the social norms are not understood

Many people with mental illness do not adhere to many social norms. Small talk can be annoying, surface-level conversations are mind-numbing, and the truth is black and white in each situation. The world will tell us to learn to trust our gut, to be honest, to find our authentic self, but if we do, we are chided for not adhering to rules no one ever explains.

…Until it doesn’t look like everyone else

Perhaps you are a special one and invite your ‘mentally ill’ friend out somewhere. We may not act the right way or the same way. We may be easily overwhelmed by something you find totally normal. We don’t like it either, but we can’t fix it without practice and understanding. We are used to exclusion and weird looks; it’s fine, but do not say you want us better or you are supportive if it is only at a distance.

Speaking of invitations, we probably will not pick up on “hey, we are going to xyz” as an invitation; it will be viewed as a share, or worse, a brag. A real invitation like “hey, we would like you to join us at xyz if you can,” is helpful.

…Until it requires flexibility instead of advice

Sometimes, we fall apart. Sometimes we simply cannot understand what is expected because in the world of mental health, our brains rarely work like the ‘norm.’ Sometimes, we can fake it, try to work with those unspoken rules that everyone else seems to just know, but most of the time, we just need someone to listen and not judge or fix or advise. We are often well aware that our thinking is different and potentially flawed, but pointing it out just makes us want to hide more.

…Until it takes longer than expected

Healing is not linear. It is not easy. It may never end. We can look like we are healing on the outside and be falling apart on the inside. The truth is, we are great at hiding the problems because we are used to people pleasing. People want to see healing, want to see others getting better, so we suffer in silence until it is so bad the pain leaks out.

…Until it cannot be fixed with a gratitude list or deep breathing

Don’t get us wrong, being grateful and focusing on the small things can be uplifting and calming yourself through deep breathing is great, but that is not healing. That is like mopping the floor while the ceiling is collapsing. We are grateful for life and confused as to why life has been such a shitshow. We do not need someone to remind us to breathe; our body does it without any knowledge. We do not need another journal with prompts, though we use them. What we need is someone to just ‘be’ with us, willing to ride the waves. Not even all the time, just when we get to the point that it cannot be handled alone.

…Until it refuses to be inspirational

Mental health is messy and emotional, and rarely is it a great inspirational story. Hearing about someone who ‘overcame’ can often just make things harder. Few people would look at a cancer patient and say, “Hey, he got better, why don’t you? Why are you not shrinking your tumor in the same way?” Still, many will say, this therapy, medication, treatment, hospital, program worked for her, and she has the same diagnosis, why is it not working for you?

Wrapping Up

There is no dramatic conclusion here. Just truth.

If you are a supporter, then support the good, bad, and in-between, not just the phrase or the shiny, white-washed version. Show up when it is uncomfortable. Stay when it is slow. Listen when there is nothing to fix. You can make a difference. Sometimes the difference is simply not walking away.